row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream

Three sides of any story: yours, mine, the truth.

How close one to another depends solely on who sees it.


Potato, potahto
Glass half full, glass half empty
You name it.

Even the most logical, datas-based side?
If it doesn't meet with communal thinking, nuh uh, you're screwed.

merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream



a phrase that comprehensively explain div's state these few weeks:
fucked up.

physical bruise is the least thing to be worried. 
currently, div is still socially functioning, but her own life?
the targets, plans, that were made? crumbling. 
the shock,
the fear,
the inability to grasp the facts,
the immobility of mind,
the things that div shouldn't be.

div does need help to trace her way back on track.


Here's the thing (or two (...or more))

I have no idea why on earth would I feel okay flooding your ears with my stories.

I have no idea how can I still care this much for you (even, for me, implicitly, you said I don't).

I have no idea when did this start nor when will this ends.

I have no idea what length would I walk this path, for what ends.

And I have no idea why I don't even expect any of those questions to be answered.

Communication is one hell of a work. Even when you think you already so clear-cut on explaining yourself, there's no  assurance that the other person perceived the explanation the same way you think. And also, there's another possibility that the said person gets what you mean but has low ability to show it to you so you think that they don't get it.


tickity tock, the clock is ticking

I like you.
Still do.
Til when?
God knows.
Unlike before,
I'll just wait.
Faithfully here.


And how, exactly, can I believe that I worth more than a welcome mat in front of an unused door, if the one who tried to tell me that didn't even remember my birthday, nor came the moment I really fell down with an unwanted news, and then called me a kid on how I face my problems?


mike alfa yankee delta alfa yankee

When this kind of stuff happens again, this will be the way div handles the thing, and soon div's cycle will be done, again.

New place, new route, new routine only within a year from the last?
div, you're obviously fucked up.


div's noncomprehending thing

In terms of matching logic and feelings.....I think I still don't deserve to be grouped into homo sapiens sapiens.


a means to an end

a kinda rude phrase, that title. belittling entities as means for a grand end.

Kant's "an end in itself", that's more like it.

everything is an end, and also a beginning.

just like ouroboros, one of my favorite creature.

picture taken from here


div si lamban

maybe i should've tried to stay not high the moment i realized what i feel.

i think i heard phrases, like, missing, but i have no idea who's missing who, or what, or which one of us that said that.


but we're living in the different lanes,
urang jalan angkot, maneh transjakarta?


this is the second time.

i feel kinda giddy all around my body even just thinking about it.

am in the middle of thinking of what should i say to my counterpart in my internship place. uhm, kerja praktek sih, to be exact.

kedua kalinya div kp.

in a couple of months, div bakal bergulat dengan data lagi, sekarang namanya bukan tugas akhir tapi thesis.

next march, idealnya draft thesis udah masuk kampus dan nunggu sidang. in parallel, me should have gotten a place to work.

october, graduation. bulannya tepat pas div jadi seperempat abad.
dan di umur segitu masih jadi tanggungan orang tua? dude.

div grogi.
semangat div mulai turun.
div mulai ngerasa tujuan div ga seberapa.

...tapi itu kan tujuan div yah, gaperlu dibandingin sama yang lain, nanti kalo udah dapet semua baru cari lagi tujuan baru, and the cycle should goes on and on and on and on.

so what to say, what to say....



current mood: jack johnson's banana pancakes

it's an essential thing to keep on your principle, since its existence proves yours. 

but in the contrary, you're a human. being one means there's a huge possibility, if not definitely, that your principle will clash with others'. at some point, when the outcome of the clash if none wants to change would be too high, or you consider that other people is worth the pain, you will opt to do some compromises.

and that, is why i do.

the decision to compromise some of your way in life should be done with your consent, without destroying your core of principle.


div wants more

when div wants something, 
she'll do anything with all her might to make it belongs to her.

then she'll prove to the world that it is hers to have.

and she'll try as best as she can to keep it hers.

and when the time comes for that thing to move to other's possession,
be it may that div feels reluctant to give it out, 
she'll cast it loose voluntarily.

because the only constant thing in life is inconsistency.

...and there she goes, wandering once again, searching other things to be pursued.


What if...

...those little things that you just did are the last time they ever happened?


a lil note

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

Not exactly started with a kiss, but whatever.
Ending a status with a person doesn't necessarily mean that ending any possibility to be an acquantaince.
But when you start to do things that annoy not only me but also my surrounding,

...just back off, will you?


a passing by thought

"kakak kalo udah gede mau jadi apa?"
"loh kok insinyur? Gak mau jadi dokter aja gitu?"
"gak. pokoknya mau jadi insinyur"

div's words even before she really knew what an engineer is. entah, mungkin ulterior motive terbesar div bilang begitu adalah untuk ngebuktiin bahwa gak semua insinyur seburuk dia.

and now she is an engineer. uhm well, a bachelor of science in materials engineering. sayangnya sekarang lulusnya dapet tambahan S.T. di belakang, bukan Ir. kayak yang dulu dicitacitain. but this will do too.

as far as she knows, being an engineer is her dream. and after she achieved that, she feels kinda...lost.

so now, she lists all of her major targets, and aiming her life to meet her own expectation toward herself.


katanya sih

this post is a whining post.

but first, selamat idul fitri for all who celebrates. Another year has passed, and hopefully still many years to come.

hoke, time to whine.

jadi sebenernya frase "orang indonesia itu ramah" didapet dari mana sih? even things that i consider as common courtesy are not considered normal here, such as holding the door if there's a person right behind, or asking properly when one needs a hand, or saying "please", " thank you" once here or there. ramahnya di mana? sama siapa?  di tempat yang banyak orang liat? ke orang yang influenced many people? ke bule? ke atasan? atau kalo lagi butuh aja?

because i, sebagai salah satu bagian dari orang indonesia, ga ngerasa sebagai orang yang ramah, but those common courtesy? selalu diusahain buat dilakuin, tapi most of the times i don't think i've got those "ramah" gestures.

So instead of indonesia orangnya ramah-ramah, bukannya lebih pas kalo ditambah ramah kalo butuh?


staying put

tend to be the worst nightmare when life's too good to be true

with an abundant of tasks waiting to be finished, div's mind keeps wandering aimlessly to anywhere but there.

Then those words popped.

div's ability to ruin things when they start to run smoothly.
div is a planner. when the said plan is ready to be started, that means div's time there is over.
if there seems like no possible way out, div will instinctively do whatever it takes to get out of it.
div and stability don't belong in a same phrase.
div's way to get some comfort shifts erratically.
up til now the only person who could keep up is herself.
because long, long time ago, a little shift in her world means moving to places she didn't plan to.
so it's better for her to make her life planned to be unstable by herself.


the art of losing

Sometimes it just feels better to give in
It's alright, i'm okay, i think god can explain
In a perfect world, this could never happen
All we know is distance, we're close and then we run
Thinking of the days spent without you, and there's nothing left to prove
Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?
If you only knew what I went through just to get to you
Brake light glare my blank stare tells what I'm about
I need you to ruin me for this, finally, 'cause it's burying me
And my worst pains are words I cannot say, still I will always fight on for you
Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them, it makes no sense at all


as long as you are comfortable

Comfort is not a feeling that you can get only from a single conditions.

For me, I can tell you some.

Binge-reading. Be it novels, comics, or even classes' textbooks.
Listening without any needs to react.
Goofing off.
Cook, bake, boil, broil food. To be eaten God-knows-when.
Random strolling.
Random scrolling.
Random rambling.
Bullying buddies.
Laying around without doing anything. (gogoleran iya gogoleran)
And maybe,


Normal life, they said


A simple single word.

A normal life, depends on whose standard?
Obviously not mine.

A normal family?
Not mine either.

A normal mind?
Don't think so.

Weirdly rambling, currently I just want to know how does it feel to be normal like others.


Another flashback

As a girl who mainly rely on logics, use it.
What would they think and feel if you do that?

Will you accept your behavior if it's done by your own daughter later on?


And it goes on...and on...and on...

(This is a post to prove to myself that I do can write, as long as I don't have to do it. (Yes, I'm talking about you, research methodology.))

It's been almost eight months that I be a part of Jakarta's swarm of hecticness. 

At first, it was hell.
Imagine going to campus as early as 5am so that I won't be facing the most known traffic jam in sudirman-thamrin and also kuningan. Sometimes only for a single 100-minutes class session. 
Then the way back home. Another chaos. Takes me at least 2,5 hours from tugutani to bintaro. 
Some would ask why don't I take any public transportations, well I would like to, but I don't, can't, do crowd. There, a little side of crowdphobic for me. 

So, here's me, accepting the fate. Kinda.
But there's a leverage.
My primary defence mechanism is to evade, or you may say to run away. 
Long, long time ago when I didn't even know that labschool is not a school outside of indonesia, my escape is book and that's more than enough.
Later on, as classes demand more from my mind, the hunger to run to other worlds in books keeps getting bigger with no time available to read for even a glimpse. 

Stress was built.

Then div started to drive by herself.
Driving alone sounds like a tiring task. But lately it makes me feel like I'm in control of something. The solo driving now substitutes my inability to read books, to ease my thoughts, to run away.

Because evading is the only thing I know so that problems won't be bigger than it should be.

Time to get a short ride, shall we?


Fifteen minutes to exam and div starts to ramble all over again

"Taun lalu kebayang ga bakal begini?"
"Hm? Gini apa?"
"Ya kayak gini, sekarang. Pernah kebayang ga?"

Hm, I don't even imagine what would I do in the next couple of hours. Kalopun i do think, yaaa paling cuma fragments of it, kayak nanti punya rumah entah kapan entah dapet duit dari mana, pas tua maunya banyakan di rumah, and so on.

Ditanya point blank kayak gitu, div semacam terhenyak.


Di kamar bersama flu pengganggu

Div selalu suka forehead kisses, either giving or getting some. Setiap ketemu mama pasti langsung nyodorin jidat buat disun. Terus kalo mau tidur selalu gantian, I'm the one who kisses her forehead.

Dibanding other kind of kisses, the forehead one feels the.....purest. It shows that you care so much. Tanpa ada tendensi lain.

A forehead kiss, a sniff at the peak of my head, are the things that I really need right now.

(...and some tissue. jadi anak ingusan, muntah dua kali. jadi rambling ga karuan)


Understanding People 101

1. Ask others on why s/he's doing the thing on question.

2. Imagine being them, with all of their experiences shaping their mind, then ask yourself why.

3. Ask the person.

4. Just let it go. Not everything should be comprehended with your little mind.


do you have any flashlight? cause i think i need one.

"Tell me where does it hurt"

I like to observe.
Seeing the way people tell their thoughts,
their passions,
their dreams, 
their day, 
or even just reading something out loud.
I like to imagine what it was that make anyone does what (s)he did,
and having lots of theories on my mind,
making it stopped thinking about myself.
Drowned in others' thoughts, that's comforting.

More than anything, i love my own solitary moments.

But there came a point,

yeah, I've came to bunch of points til this day,
a point where I thought maybe, just maybe, speaking up my own voice won't be a burden.
My thoughts deserve the same place as others'.
It was okay to ask to be listened.

Then I did,
I started to open up.
It was fine, somehow,
but I still prefer my own solitude.
I still hold some of me for myself.

That night, on my way back,
Suddenly I wanted to share all of my darkest thoughts and urges to you,
Is it normal to always imagine how does it feel to fall from somewhere so high? will it hurts?
how does it feel when a knife touched my vein? with all those blood?
how does it feel crashing my car? hard? lethal?
how does it feel to just be....gone?

But that night,
that very night,
was the time you shut me out.

So, how does it feel?